This Shell - Oregon 2000

Is this lust or is it envy? How I long to look like that again? How do I become satisfied with what I have been given? Do I try to refine it or do I let Him? And even if I get this body to physical perfection, will I be satisfied or will I still want what I cannot have? Is this just a chance to learn about desires instead of learning to refine oneself? Do I want to fall in love with this body or do I want to fall in love with myself? That is the true question! This body is temporary even if I beat it & drive it to look the way I want to, it still won't matter, I still won't be happy. Maybe I should just learn to not care-not hate-not like just not care one way or the other! Trust God to provide someone who loves me no matter what condition this shell is in! What about a healthy temple? What about giving yourself the things you love? I don't want to deny myself I just want to control myself! Why do I torture myself? Put myself through this circle of temporary pleasure and guilt! This is the same problem, not 3 separate ones: food-sex-desires! How long will I do this to myself? I long to be free from this bondage of sin! But am I really only doing this to myself? When I am weak, He is strong. Why can't I feel His strength surging through me in these moments? Is it my lack of faith?